How to Control Anger against Children
All parents at times can be angry with his children. In everyday life, there's always things that make us stress: too late to come to an event, forgot to bring something important, health and financial problems, and much more. In the midst of the confusing conditions, appears our children, who complained of losing her shoes, or suddenly remembered having to buy books for the task that day, the brother or sister of the disturbing fad, or did he deliberately make trouble. And we exploded. When we are in a state of calm, of course, we can solve all the problems with children was better. But since we're in a state of stress, we often feel entitled to vent anger in children. Why is this child so hard to be advised and ungrateful ?! Although we feel the child's behavior is very annoying, actually that's not the cause of our anger. We see children behave in certain ways (Oh, he hit his sister again!), Then we conclude (Later he would grow up to be a psychopath!), And the conclusions that will take us to the following conclusions (I have failed as a parent!). This kind of thinking trigger a range of emotions such as fear and guilt. We are unable to deal with these feelings and the best way to deal with anger is to our children. The whole psychological process that takes only about two seconds. Maybe your child was upset and test our patience, but not her cause of our anger response. The way we address the problem stems from what we have learned in our lives. When we were children, our parents may be the same when we are doing something that ultimately makes them angry. Without realizing it, we've experienced a 'wound' psychological due to improper parenting in childhood, and now our children will also experience the 'wound' is.
Why We Can Anger in Children?
Parents and children have a unique relationship in which both can be mutually angered even for very trivial thing. Quite often we as adults like to act irrationally when it faced children. And even making us behave childishly. Similarly, with our children. They often behave as annoying and test our patience because yes they are our children. Psychologists call this phenomenon inidengan the term "ghosts in the nursery," ie children evoke feelings pent-up anger from childhood us, and makes us unconsciously respond in such a way to 'fight' anger. The fear and anger from childhood is so strong that it is a challenge to forget. By understanding all of this will help us to overcome and control our anger. By understanding that the anger parents can 'hurt' the child psychologically, we become more self-control.
What Happens to Children When We Shouting or Spanking
Imagine your husband or wife get angry and yell at you. Then imagine her body size three times larger than you. Imagine you rely entirely on the person to obtain food, shelter, security, and protection. Imagine it is the main source for you to get the love, confidence, and information about the world, where you have no where else to ask. After imagining all this, multiply all the feelings that arise in yourself by 1000. Such is roughly going on in your child when you are angry with him. Of course, we all must have been angry with the child, sometimes even angry. The problem here is, how to use our maturity to control the expression of our anger and minimize negative impacts. Anger can be very intimidating. Verbal violence is happening as we speak loudly or yell at the child will have a negative impact on the child's personality, especially because children are very dependent on their parents in terms of the formation of the concept itself. Children who experience physical violence such as beatings, proved to show negative behavior later in life as a result of physical abuse he had ever experienced before. If your child does not look afraid of your anger, it is an indication that he is too often seen and had to build a defense against him - in a way against you. The result is the child will be in no mood for positive behavior that may please you, and will open itself to the outside so it is more easily influenced by his friends and the outside world. That is, you have a harder task to repair the 'damage' is. Shown or not - and the more often we get angry at him, he will be more defensive and increasingly reluctant to show his feelings - our anger is a scary thing for our children.
How You Can Control Your Anger?
As a human being, in overcoming a problem is sometimes we are in a state of "fight or flight (to fight or flee), and our children who sucks it will be seen as the enemy we face. When we are filled with anger, our body is physically ready for a fight. Hormones and neurotransmitters flood the body. Muscles tensed, increased heart rate, panting. Hard to stay calm when you are in this condition, but we all know that scold a child - though it will make the relief and emotion terlampiaskan - not something we really want. So from now on, make a commitment to not hit, not swearing, not calling child as coarse, or not provide any penalties in when we're angry. How to scream? Do not ever do that to your child, it means you're tantrums. If you do need to shout, go to the car, close all windows, and shout where no one could hear it, and do not cry using words, because it will make you more angry. Your child may also feel angry. Your anger will not only hurt him but also to be emulated by it. Your child will often see you angry, and the way you deal with the situation will be viewed and imitated by children. Are you going to give an example of that true? That parents also can have tantrums? Angry outbursts? Or that angry it is a human thing, and learning to control anger is there any part of the maturation process? Let's look together.
1. Determine limits / rules BEFORE you angry.
Often, when we are angry with a child, because we have yet to determine the limits / rules in the family. By the time you get angry, it is a signal to do something. No, not shouting. Do something positive to prevent the emergence of the child's behavior that makes you upset. If it is a source of annoyance to you - for example, you've just got home from work and was very tired - try to explain this to your child's condition and asked him to not to act, at least for a while. If your child to do something after a long time the more upsetting you - for example, play something dangerous, refuse when you ask him to do something, babbling when you are receiving an important phone call - should you stop before your activities, explain again the child how regulations navigate in your family or your child, so that the situation does not worsen and you are not getting angry.
2. Make a list of good ways to cope with anger.
If you feel so angry, you need a way to cool off. Many people can cool off by: stop, breathe, remind yourself that this is not a serious condition. Release the tension by shaking your hand. Inhale deeply ten times. If you need to speak while doing so, inhale and exhale, saying, "hum". Find ways that can make you laugh, which would eliminate the tension and change your mood. Even forcing yourself to smile sends a message to your nervous system that you are facing is not serious and it will calm you. If you feel the need to vent anger physically, attach the music and start dancing. You can also punch a pillow, but it should be done in a room or a hidden place, because it can make your child afraid. He knew that a body pillow lay his head during sleep, and the shadow of his father or mother beat cushion would blindly recorded in memory.
3. Take Five Minutes.
Understand that advises Son in anger is not good. The better you used to be alone for a moment and come back when you're calmer. Step away from the children so you are not tempted to do violence to him. Enough said as calmly as possible, "Mama too angry right now and can not talk. Mama going to the room for a while and calm down. "Avoiding a child does not mean letting it win. It will make her think of how serious the problem is and give an example of restraint to him. Use the time to calm down and not build resentment to show that you are right. If your child is old enough to be left a while, you can go to the bathroom, washed my face, and breathe. But if your child is still small and will feel left out, you can simply go to the kitchen. Then sit on the couch nearby sekama a few minutes, take a deep breath and slowly pronounce the words that can soothe you repeatedly, for example, "This is not serious ... children just need love us when he acting sucks ... He was only acting because it requires my attention ... All this will be over soon. "By acting thus, the child will see how we cope with and regulate our emotions.
4. Listen to your anger and not take it out.
Feelings of anger, just like other emotions, is a gift of God as well as the hands and feet. We are responsible for how we use the gift of God, whether for positive or negative. Anger actually often have the wisdom that can be used as a lesson for us in the future, but act rashly when we're angry, unless indeed we must fight to defend themselves, generally destructive because we make a decision in conditions that are not rational. A good way to cope with anger is to limit the expression of our anger, and at the moment we've been calmer think about things like: what is wrong with our lives so that we can feel so angry, and what needs to be done to change these conditions? Sometimes the answer to this question is closely related to parenting approach: we have to set the rules before things happen that are out of control, or begin to get the children to bed an hour earlier, or improve the relationship with our children who are 12 years old so he stop being rude to us. Or it could also turns out the source of the anger comes resentment towards our partner unreliable as partners in educating children, or against a boss in the office. Or it could be we do not understand what exactly causes our anger, and we need to seek help to overcome them through professionals or community support group.
5.Ingat that "venting" your anger on others it will make you more angry.
Although it is said we need to "vent" rage and mental health should not be buried so that we are not disturbed, in fact there is no positive or beneficial terms of anger in others. Research studies show that expressing anger at the moment we're emotions will only make us more angry. As a result, other people will feel hurt, frightened, or angry, and caused our relationship and he became corrupted. So remove your anger if needed, but soon calm yourself and think about what the "message" of your anger before you start talking to the person. We often think that when we express anger on other people prove that we are right and wrong, and this usually will actually make our anger peaked. What we must do is actually figure out in a constructive way, what really makes us angry so that the problem can be solved, and our anger subsided.
6.TUNGGU FIRST before punishment.
You just say things like, "Why are you still beating your sister? The fact we've never talked about that hitting is prohibited. Mothers need time to think about these issues, and we'll talk again later in the afternoon. Meanwhile, you have to show a good attitude in this house. "Once you alone for about 10 minutes and it is still quiet enough to be able to speak well, you could say," I want to think first about what just happened, and we'll talk again later. Mothers now have to prepare dinner, and you also have to do their homework, "Finished dinner, sit next to your child and well-baiik start talking to him. You will be able to hear what the reason your child is acting this way, and can better respond positively and in control of the behavior.
7. Avoid physical violence, in any form.
Eighty-five percent of adults admitted that they had been slapped or beaten by their parents (Journal of Psychopathology, 2007). Various studies have also proved that hitting a negative impact on children's development until he grew up. The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly against beating children. I personally also think whether increasing anxiety disorders and depression in adults today somewhat due to the number of children who received physical abuse from his parents. Many parents tried to keep the experience of physical violence they experienced, because the 'wound' is felt so deeply emotional. However harbored ill feelings that will actually make it easier to hit our children. Hit will make you feel better for a moment, because your anger terlampiaskan, but the impact will be very bad for children, and directly 'eliminate' all the positive things that you already do as a parent. Hitting, and even slap, can increase anger into violence which can often prove fatal. Do whatever you are able to control themselves, including leaving the room where you angry. If you can not control themselves and finally hitting, apologize to your child, tell him that hitting is wrong and can not be justified, and immediately you are looking for help.
8. Avoid giving threat.
Threats made by the time you get angry, usually bizarre and illogical. Threats will only be effective if you will. If not, your authority as a parent will not be considered by the child, and they likely will not care about it in the future. It would be better if you tell the child that you need time to think about what the appropriate punishment is given for the error / violation of the rules he had done. Children will be more fearful and tense to hear it rather than just listening to the empty threats which he knew would not really do.
9. Control your tone of voice and choice of words you.
Research shows that the more calm we talk, the more calm also our feelings, and others will respond with quiet anyway. Instead, the ball we use a lot of harsh words, it will make us and also those who listened to feel more and more upset, and the situation will also be heated. We have the power to soothe or even angered both for ourselves as well as our speaker by controlling the tone and choice of words used. (Remember, as a parent you are a role model for children.)
10. Suppose you are a part of the problems that arise.
When you open yourself to always improve your emotional state, your child will always be able to indicate in which part of you that needs to be repaired. If you are unwilling to improve themselves, it will be difficult to be a parent exemplary children. In every interaction with children, we have the power to soothe or make a hot situation. Your child may behave enrages, but you can do something about it. Be a responsible parent to try to arrange your emotional state first. Your children certainly will not immediately change his attitude in an instant, but the behavior will change drastically as soon as you managed to learn to stay calm in any situation.
11. Still angry?
Find out what exactly the feeling that is behind all that anger. Do not get too attached to your anger. When you've found what really lies behind your anger and make changes / improvements to such conditions, forget everything. Ikhlaskan had happened. If it is difficult, remember that anger is actually our efforts to protect ourselves. Anger fortify ourselves than of feeling fragile. To get rid of anger, looking for a sense of 'sick' or 'fear' is behind the anger. It could be the real cause is your daughter who became too often played with his friends, so he was away from the family and it makes you feel sad and hurt. Or may cause you angry is your son tantrums condition that actually makes you scared. Learn to cope with feelings and circumstances. Once you get over the feeling that you actually feel, your anger will disappear.
12. Choose what is really important.
Any negative interactions with your child may be able to change the child's understanding of how to interact with others. Focus on what is more important: you can vent anger or how you treat other people's children in the future. Which is more important? For example, you are angry because the child put the goods on the floor, then you hit it. Children will learn that hitting that thing that is allowed when someone made a mistake. As an adult, he'll be the one that is also easy to hit. Is this what you want?
13. Seek effective ways to discipline children and encourage the emergence of improved behavior.
There are many more effective ways to discipline a child rather than simply angry alone, and in fact, scold the child will actually bring other behavior is wrong. Many parents are confused, how can some families whose children are well behaved, although parents never use physical or verbal violence. In fact, from the observation that I do (although this research still can not be said to be valid because of the number of respondents was too little) in families where the parents never yell at her son and implement mutual empathy with one another, it produces children who are full responsibility at a very young age and emotionally easy 'set'. We all know that the penalties are inherently negative.
14. If you must constantly strive to hold back angry, you may need the help of counseling.
There is no harm and do not be ashamed to seek help. Instead, you actually have to feel embarrassed if you forget the responsibility as a parent to 'destroy' the child physically or psychologically.
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